A Day in The Life of Emmy

2002-11-14T22:18:00.000-05:00

So My Surgery is Over

Now I just have to take the next 8 weeks and heal.

Tons more soft food. Never knew how bad I ever really enjoyed steak until I was told I can't have it.

Still have to take it easy. The surgeon scaled back my pain meds on Tuesday. Believe it or not, I was ready for him to do it. I don't like feeling loopy. Too much of a control freak for that I guess.

Mostly, I'm ready to have my normal life back. With some changes.

For once, I'm going to take better of myself. Guess I've realized I shouldn't take my health for granted. I'm going to try to actually exercise (which involves sweat which I hate but I'll do my best to get over it). I'm going to eat better, etc. And I'm going back to yoga. I really have missed it in the past few months. I quit way before the jaw episode so I can't blame that. I guess I just got away from it. Now, I'm ready to go back.

And I've realized those in my life that really care. The friends that came by my apartment with milkshakes. The people that called, emailed, posted messages to me, etc. People I don't even know that sent me good vibes, prayers, etc. I haven't been on my job long and the people I work with really went out of their way to help me. They've all truly seemed to care about my condition.

Needless to say, when I truly sit down and count my blessings, I have so much to feel thankful for! And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

2002-10-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

Medical Insurance Hell

You know, just when you think things are going great and life seems to be going in the right direction, the fickle finger of fate comes along a flips you a bird.

Long story short - I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned and he found a large cyst that has taken up residence on my left jaw bone and eaten 90% of it away. I'm still in shock. I see no bump when I look in the mirror. I feel no real pain. I had no clue that most of my mandible (I'm learning all types of nifty new medical terms) was missing in action.

I could have gone out to dinner, taken a big bite of steak, and broken my jaw. That would have been attractive on a date!

Now, I'm stuck in medical insurance hell! It doesn't affect my teeth in the least so understandably my dental insurance won't cover it. It is obviously a medical condition.

But getting my medical insurance company to understand this seems to be a problem. I have letters from a dentist, oral surgeon, primary care physician and the radiologist who read my CAT scan all saying that this is an emergency MEDICAL situation and that I need IMMEDIATE surgery.

Obviously I need to send a dictionary over to dear old United Healthcare so they can look up emergency and immediate and figure out what they mean.

They heard "dentist" and "oral surgeon" and immediately refused to cover it. After much hell raising from me, my employer and my primary care physician, they have agreed to take my case before a review board and decide what should be done. This could take a week or so. They have said that they will do everything in their power to get me an answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I get to eat mashed potatoes and applesauce and hope my jaw doesn't break.

2002-08-05T04:58:00.000-04:00

Insomnia

at 4:30 in the morning on a work day sucks!!!!

But it does allow me to update my blog. Not that I actually have a life or anything to say at the moment! LOL

My big accomplishment this weekend? I cleaned out my closet! Woo hoo!

Of course, upon cleaning out said closet, I realize I have too damn many clothes and that the wire racking that I hang my clothes on has literally begun to pull out of the wall due to the weight. Lovely! Bet the maintenance man votes me tenant of the month this time around.

The guy that sprays my apartment for bugs every month must already think I'm a slob because I always seem to be doing laundry when it's time for him to come and there is always a pile of dirty clothes in my hallway waiting to be put in the washer.

Mara is used to my slobbiness. She just hops over the pile of clothes and heads on into the bathroom to use her litter box. Of course, if I don't clean the litter box to her specifications, I find part of my shower curtain hanging out of there. LOL

By the way, for those of you who might be wondering, the new job is going really well. I love actually having something to do for a change! And the boss bought my lunch twice last week. He seems really nice although maybe a tad on the religious side. Will have to avoid that topic in the office! LOL Anywho, keep your finger crossed that it continues to go well!!!!!

2002-07-21T22:27:00.000-04:00

Maybe you have to leave the person you were behind in order to become the person you will be." - Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & The City

Not a bad idea at all! :)

Another one from that show that I love.....

"Why are single women of a certain age called spinsters and old maids while single men of a certain age are called bachelors and playboys?"

Why indeed?

2002-07-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

Apparently it does pay to be nice to the wait staff!

*the oh so cute waiter approaches our stunning heroine's table with her side order*

Yes folks - I have employment!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a new job with a well known dairy company located 10 minutes from my apartment. The soon to be old job was 30 to 45 minutes away. I almost fell out of the chair when they offered me a little more money than I'm making now and way better benefits.

I'm so happy I could burst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

*does happy dance*

Can I hope that maybe things are starting to look up?!?!?!?!

2002-07-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

Oh Waiter? Yes over here!

*a cute waiter approaches the table our bikini clad heroine is seated at*

Yes, I'll have the house salad and a margarita. Oh and a good job paying a decent salary with good benefits on the side please. And a serving of a half way decent man for dessert. Thanks!

*hands the cutie her menu and waits for her order to be filled*

*sigh* If only it were that easy.........

Employment

I'm still at the job from hell! Everyday they think of new and exciting ways to torture us. But it pays the bills till something else comes along.

And I'm hoping that something else might happen tomorrow. I have my 3rd interview with a company in the morning at 8:15a.m. EST. Please send all the good vibes you can in the direction of the middle of the Sunshine State at that time! ;)

Men still suck!

I swear I am going to become a celebate lesbian. I could have a girlfriend with whom I could share clothes and shoes but wouldn't have to have sex with her. It's the perfect arrangement!!!

Gilligan is just - well - he's a man! What more can I say?

I may hear from him once or twice a month when he's in town and feels like going out. Sometimes, he is in town and doesn't feel like contacting me. Apparently, I'm supposed to be at his disposal when and if he feels like contacting me. Yeah, right! When pigs grow wings and fly out my big butt!

I'm looking at my buddy list as I write this. I've been on line about a 1/2 hour. He's been there the entire time. The last 2 conversations we've had have been at my initiation. I ain't doin' it no more! I refuse to chase a 45 year old man! He is old enough to know how a woman - any woman - would like to be treated! He ain't mine to raise sweeties! As one of my favorite books says (and it is now my favorite quote) "They're making them things every day!" You darn right they are! And it's time I found me some new ones!!!!!

I'm sick to death of men to tell the truth. They truly are not worth the aggrevation! I have yet to find one I can put up with on a regular basis. Hell, maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe the Sweet Potato Queens are right - you actually need 5 men to make 1 good one! (If you haven't read "The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love" get to a bookstore or even a Target where I got mine and read it! Funny funny funny and an oh so true book!!!!)

Now there are some of you members of the male species (and you know who you are) that I will love to bits until my last breath. That's probably because I only communicate with you through my computer and you are so blinded by my stunning virtual bikini-clad beauty that you have no choice but to be utter sweethearts to me. ;) But if I were dating you, I do believe you would turn into the type of men I seem to attract and I'd have to unleash Krissy's dragon on you! I'd really hate to have to do that!!

Krissy, does your dragon like to eat First Mates? I have a rather smallish one I'd like to dispose of. Let me know if he needs a little snack!

So, hopefully, I will get this new job and the office will be full of delicious new men that will fall all over themselves once they get a look at me! ;)

2002-06-26T15:25:00.000-04:00

Today is officially.....

the last day of my depression. I can't stand it anymore! I hereby declare it over and done with.

I've got some job interviews coming up. The petroleum company I used to work for found out I'm looking for a job and is working on coming up with one to offfer me. Guess someone actually liked me! LOL

As for men, evil ex B has actually turned into a nice friend. He's let me cry all over his shoulder these past few days and really listened to me when I needed someone. For that he will no longer be known as evil - he is now just "confused ex B".

I now reserve evil for Gilligan. Thanks to him, I can now look back on my life and say "Yes, I've been a one night stand and it sucks". Just when I thought B was the worst I could get, fate comes along and teaches me a lesson. And one I obviously needed to learn.

So, I'll date Sam, be nice to B, forget Gilligan ever existed, and hopefully get a new job.

Life ain't great but it ain't all bad right now either.

2002-06-19T18:49:00.000-04:00

Let Me Just Clear Something Up....

Contrary to the popular belief among my friends, Gilligan turning out to be a lying jerk has little to do with my current depression in the grand scheme of things. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I've been working on a good case of depression for months now. My career (if you could even stretch enough to call it that) basically sucks. I have gone from one sucky job to the next for the past two years. I am sick and damn tired of looking for a decent job!!!!!!!! I hate this!!!!!!!!

Add to that the fact that I was in a relationship for a long period of time with a total idiot that did an extreme number on my self esteem.

Then multiply that by the fact that, when I look at my life, I see nothing of value that I have accomplished. I'm thirty years old and feel like I have nothing to show for it.

Then you put the one small straw of a jerk feeding me a bunch of lines on top of the whole thing and it collapses.

I'm more hurt by Gilligan's lies than anything else. And boy do I feel stupid?!?!?

I can usually spot a "player" before they even open their mouths. And as soon as they do start a conversation, I can flush them out in the first few sentences. I can usually detect the aura of a lying jerk within the first date at the most.

However, Gilligan slipped right past my radar. He answered all the questions correctly. He acted like a good guy - pulled out chairs, opened car doors, seemed kinda nervous about holding my hand, asked before he kissed me, etc.

During our conversations he talked about not wanting to play games with people (yeah right!). That he thought it important to treat someone the way you wanted to be treated. That if you treated someone well enough, they would never want to cheat on you.

He offered to cook me dinner. He offered to fix my computer. Asked me to pick up his freakin' mail for Christ's sake!

He sent me emails while he was gone. Acted like he kinda missed me.

And we had major chemistry. Or so I thought.

And now I find out he told one of the biggest lies anyone has ever told me!!!!! And for absolutely no good reason!!!!!!!! WHY??????????

We weren't in a "serious" relationship. Not by any stretch of the imagination. We even discussed that on Sunday during the whole "big lie" conversation we had on IM. We talked about letting it go with the flow - not trying to steer it in one direction or the other yet. How he wasn't interested in just "getting in, getting off and getting out"(his words not mine). How it takes a while for me to get comfortable with a person.

He never told me but I knew he dated others. Hell, so do I! It was way too soon for me or him to say we weren't going to date other people.

If he didn't want to see me this past weekend, all he had to do was tell me he was busy. I might not have liked it but I could have accepted that. Why tell me he was still in NY when he was sitting in front of his computer, less than 3 miles from my apartment?!?!?!?!

And why tell me he would be flying from NY (where he wasn't) to Atlanta to pick up the semi containing the race car, and then driving it to the race in NY ALL BY HIMSELF when the reality of the situation was that he flew back to Orlando for the sole purpose of meeting up with the girl that runs the race shop and then he and her flew to Altanta to get the race car? Well, I think I know why here. I've heard through "the grapevine" for the past couple weeks that there is a more personal relationship between him and this girl. I haven't said a word about it to him because, honestly, right now his relationship with her is none of my business. Just like my relationship with S is none of his.

But obviously he felt the need to hide this whole trip from me. And hide the fact that she would be accompaning him. Obviously, she means a whole lot more to him if he feels the need to hide it from me.

Was this whole thing a big game for him? Did he set out to take advantage of me? Why bother? Aren't there other women he could just "get off" with that he wouldn't have to invent an elaborate lie for? Why not just tell me up front that all he was interested in was a sexual relationship when it was convenient for him?

I would have turned him down but maybe I could have respected him just a little.

No, he had to go and feed me a bunch of lies. Major lies. That he knew I would find out about (if he didn't know, then he's a total dipshit).

I just don't understand. He obviously had NO respect for me as a person whatsoever! And that, in a nutshell, is what hurts the most. The total lack of respect for me.

I truly thought he was a nice guy. Maybe this is fate's way of showing me that my defenses aren't nearly strong enough. That I am way too trusting too quickly. That I give people the benefit of the doubt too easily. That because I live my life a certain way I assume everyone else does too.

So, if I learned nothing else from this, I've learned to trust no one quickly. To build trust little by little. If someone tells me the sky is blue, I'm gonna go to a window and check from now on!

2002-06-18T17:41:00.000-04:00

Why I Hate Being a Grown-up

If I could go back to my early teens and start all over again, I would in a heartbeat. I've made so many mistakes in my life. Mistakes that effect where I am now.

I miss the days of slumber parties, chatting for hours with friends on the phone and listening to the radio (later on watching MTV).

I miss eating whatever I wanted and never worrying about gaining weight. Roller skating, bicycle riding, swimming in my grandparent's pool.

Right now I really miss my grandparents. I miss 4th of July cookouts at their house. Swimming in the pool all day, eating hamburgers and hot dogs as the sun went down, walking down the street to the lake to watch the fireworks, and then coming back and taking turns cranking the ice cream churn to make home made ice cream.

We did that every year until my grandmother passed away. My grandfather died a year later of a broken heart. He never got over her. When we sold their house, the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. started making their own plans the way most families do. Now we only see each other at the occasional wedding or funeral. If then.

It is so rare to find a relationship like my grandparents had. They were married 63 years. And were devoted to each other through every one of them. My grandmother had a small, blue vase that sat on her kitchen windowsill. Every morning, my grandfather would go outside, pick a flower from the yard, and put it in that vase for her. And every night, without fail, she would open the back door at 6:00pm and yell "Kem, the news is on!" because she knew he didn't want to miss it. Then, while he watched the news, she would start setting the table for dinner. She would fill the glasses with ice then sneak up behind him and put her cold hands on his neck. He would jump and get all flustered every single time, even though they had gone through this ritual every day that I can remember.

I remember a conversation I had with her when I was a teenager. She told me her life had been filled with many good times and bad ones (she had health problems all her life). She raised five children. But she never doubted for one day that my grandfather loved her.

I inherited her mother's (my great-grandmother's) wedding ring. And it hurts that I'll never get to wear it.

I miss spending a summer day lying on my bed reading books and dreaming about all the places I wanted to go to one day.

I miss boys. Not men who lie just to get what they want off of you. Men who play games with your emotions. Boys who are too young to know how to play games. Boys that have honest emotions and are still willing to express them. Boys who follow you around when you are young because they haven't been programmed to be macho yet. They still think the sun rises and sets in you. They pass you love notes, pull your hair, and share their candy bars with you. They ask you to "couple skate" at the skating rink.

Too soon, they turn into men who think it is against nature to have actual feelings for a woman. To be madly in love with a woman. It is a threat to their all powerful manhood.

I miss school dances, pep rallys and football games. I miss getting my yearbook signed. I miss that my greatest worries once were turning my homework in on time, getting my book report done, and what classes I was going to sign up for the next year.

I miss my 11th grade English teacher who loved my writing so much that she begged me to go to college and become a writer or a journalist. If only I had listened to her I might be doing something now that I truly love instead of staying on a constant job hunt.

Being an adult does have its advantages but being young has so many more. At least it does to me right now.

2002-06-18T04:14:00.000-04:00

Life is pain, princess

Anyone who tells you anything different is selling something!

2002-06-12T20:36:00.000-04:00

Did I say Monday?

Well, I meant Wednesday! Yeah, that's the ticket!

Let's see........where to begin?

The Job From Hell

Have I mentioned lately how much I totally, completely, utterly HATE my job??????

The big wigs came in last Monday, called us all into a meeting and said "Please give us all your ideas on how to save this shithole and our precious asses but by the way, we start laying off people ASAP." Well, they didn't say exactly that but you get the picture.

So I spent last week on an emotional roller coaster. I hate this job but I need a paycheck until I find another one. And the job market is basically non existant at the moment.

Monday rolls around and I get called into the consultant's office. She wouldn't tell me that I wasn't on "the list" but has me go make copies of all of the seperation handouts that they are going to give the doomed. So I knew there would be a total of 4 people cause that's how many copies I had to make.

When I got up for work Tuesday I decided they could all bite my ass (believe me, I have enough to go around) and I wore jeans and tennis shoes. Hey, if I'm packing my stuff, I'm doing it in comfort! At 10:00am the consultant calls me, the other secretary, and the HR lady into her office. She tells us that the process is beginning and that they need each of us to escort out one of the doomed. I felt like running through the office and yelling "Bring out your dead!". Then she looks at me, reads me the list of names and tells me to pick who I'd like to escort out. Wonderful! So I pick the girl I know really wants out anyway because she's starting her own business.

It wasn't bad at all. The lady I had was more than happy to leave. She's getting a month's severance and two month's of insurance. This gives her and her husband plenty of time to finish up the details of her business. I couldn't be happier for her. She's so much better off than I am right now.

I am actively looking for another job. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

The Love Life

Nothing much here right now.

S and I went to dinner and swing dancing on Friday night. Had a BLAST!!! I went to the dance lesson and an old guy yelled at me for having "spaghetti arms" (I swear I tried not to Krissy! ;) ). Then S and I danced for hours and laughed and just plain had a good time.

S is such a sweet guy but there is just NO chemistry. When he kissed me good night, it was like kissing my brother or something. It's just not there. But I think we'll be great friends.

He called me on Monday. He got laid off from his job. Came out of nowhere and he's taking it pretty hard. I feel so bad for him!!! I was complaining to him about maybe losing my job and here he looses his and I keep mine. I feel really bad.

Haven't heard a word from Gilligan. But he's in the middle of Canadian nowhere right now so I knew I wouldn't. They had to take a satelite phone with them in case of emergency. He won't be back to civilization till sometime next week.

I really miss him which sucks because I don't want to get attached to this guy!!!!! :(

I'm afraid he'll turn out to be a jerk. I always pick the wrong ones!!!!!

*sigh*

Miscellaneous Other Stuff and Junk

I leave for Key West a week from tomorrow night! Woo hoo!! I need a vacation!!!! I'll think of everyone as I do the Duval Crawl! ;)

I've lost about 5 pounds over the last couple weeks and I really don't know how. I wasn't even trying. So I'm happy about that (still have 10 more to go at least).

Mara is still the sweetest, cutest kitty in the whole wide world. She wakes me up every morning by licking me on the nose. I love my kitty!! :)

2002-06-03T18:12:00.000-04:00

Some days....

I think the only thing in this world that truly loves me is my kitty.

*sigh* :(

2002-05-30T22:17:00.000-04:00

Will somebody PLEASE whack me over the head and tell me not to get my hopes up?

Really? Please?

Here on Gilligan's Isle

OK, I'm really, really, REALLY starting to like this guy. Really. He's so sweet.

I went to see him last night because he was leaving town for at least 3 weeks (possibly more). He insisted on cooking dinner for me (which was definitely a switch - the only thing evil B ever cooked was oatmeal). He's a great cook! Has this huge commercial restaurant type stove. And knows how to use it which is the important thing.

And dessert was very nice! ;) Very relaxing and very, very, very (did I say VERY?) nice!!!!!!!!

Here's the important part (well at least to me - probably didn't mean a thing to him):

As I'm leaving he asks me if I'd mind getting his mail out of the mailbox while he's out of town and putting it inside his house. He told me where to find a spare key and told me just to hang on to it (didn't say until when - of couse I'll give it back when he comes home - don't worry!).

Believe me, I know I am reading WAY too much into that one request. Don't worry - I'm aware of it. I'm not picking out china patterns by any means.

But this act of trust on his part really makes me feel good. I was with evil B on and off for 3 years. Never in any of that time did he ever intrust me with a key to his place. EVER. He never would have dreamed of asking me to get his mail. So this one simple request has made me feel so good. Something Gilligan would never get if I even tried to explain it to him. So I never will. I'll just enjoy the glow it gave me. :)

I'm hoping he'll call me while he's gone. Keep your fingers and toes crossed!

S

We are really turning into just good buddies. He's such a great guy.

We're going to go to the Museum of Science and Industry in Tampa on Sunday. I'm going to suggest going to brunch at a place called Stump's Supper Club before the museum. A cool little place down by the bay in Tampa. Great food!

Everything Else

On top of that, M (my best friend) is leaving her husband (the D**k) this weekend so I'll spend my Saturday moving her stuff and refraining from killing the soon to be ex. Fun!

So, tomorrow is Friday and I've got a busy weekend ahead of me. But I still think of last night every so often during the day and break out in a huge grin. :)

2002-05-27T21:53:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please turn your attention to our Center Ring!

*as circus music plays in the background, our heroine steps into the ring in a gorgeous sequined bikini*

The Amazing Emmy will now perform the death defying feat of juggling not one but TWO love interests at the SAME TIME!

Don't try this at home folks!

Yes folks, at this one pristine moment in my other wise screwed up existance, I am POPULAR! Someone please mark this down because when it all falls apart in a couple of weeks, I'll want to remember it!

My weekend went something like this:

Friday night: Date 1 with B (who will now be known as Gilligan so as not to confuse him with the evil ex B)

Had a great time! Honestly. The man is very nice. Good conversation. Good sense of humor. He didn't seem to think I was totally off my rocker. And may I just say a GREAT goodnight kiss (which he asked if he could do before he did it which I thought was really sweet).

Saturday night: Date 3 with S

S and I went to see Attack of the Clones (which I thought was really good) and then out to dinner. S is really sweet. But I'm starting to have a few doubts about the "chemistry". I'm not sure that spark is there. But still had a nice time. No goodnight kiss - just a hug.

Sunday night: Date 2 with Gilligan

Dinner and then went to his place to watch a movie. Here's where the problem starts:

Now, I know I am a 30 year old woman who has been around the block at least once. I am no blushing virgin by any stretch of the imagination.

However, I never have sex with anyone this early in the relationship. I like to somewhat know the person. What their middle name is, favorite color, birthdate, etc. Some information!

Gilligan and I didn't have actual "sex" but it got close enough to count. And it was VERY NICE!!! Did I mention how NICE it was? Let me say again - VERY NICE!!!!

Now, those of you that know and tolerate me, know that I am a worry wart of the first degree.

So I have been worrying all day about whether or not good 'ol Gilligan thinks I'm a ho.

I'm not a ho! And I know doing what I did doesn't make me one. But I have this block in my mind that I just don't do this kind of thing this early.

I know - I'm putting too many rules on this. I should go with the flow. See what happens. Chalk it up to being a 30 year old human with needs. But I am a Southern girl!!! This is ingrained in my genes for God's sake!!! ;)

And I really like Gilligan. So I'm scared.

Not that I'm going to turn S loose. He's a great guy and we're really just friends right now anyway. Still getting to know each other. And I do have fun with him. I ain't giving anything up for something that might have been just a one night stand.

I just don't want to be a one night stand!!

Gilligan called me first thing this morning which reassured me somewhat. We'll see if I ever hear from him again.

S called and we're going to meet for dinner one night this week.

Let's just hope I can keep this juggling act going!!!!!

*circus music playing in the background while we fade out*

2002-05-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

So much to update but where the heck to begin?!?!?!?

Work Life

Work sucks. The company I work for is owned by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. The last two president's of my company basically did not have what it takes to run the place. They have successfully ran it into the ground. My boss "resigned" (pretty word for "was forced to quit") last week. Layoffs should happen any day now.

So, long story short, I'm pounding the pavement looking for employment yet again. I am so sick and tired of job hunting!!!!!!!!!! I hate it. I just want to get somewhere and stay there a while.

Plain Old Life

I just got back from a cruise to the Bahamas on Sunday. Loved it! Even if it was a Disney cruise. LOL

Actually, the boat was beautiful. The food and entertainment was top notch. And their private island was gorgeous. Sooooooooo relaxing. Something I really needed! I highly recommend it!

Love Life

Now here's where it might get long.........

C is history. Nice guy but is absolutely no where near having anything together in his life. And is obviously looking for someone to get it together for him.

Heck, I have enough problems on my own. I certainly do not want to take on someone else's!

Two weeks ago, I went to lunch at my sister's work. For the last few months she has wanted me to do this so that I could meet S, a man she works with. So, after my experience with C, I decided what the hell and went.

I was introduced to S along with others my sister works with. Then he comes back over by himself to chat with my sister (something he could have done after lunch). The next day (a Friday) was his day off. My sister didn't expect to hear anything from him until the next Tuesday. He calls her on Friday and asks her for my digits. Long story short, he calls me up and asks me to the Magnolia Ball with him.

I run out and find a killer black dress. I had a wonderful time with him. He's extremely nice. A total gentleman. A great dancer. And I could tell he was truly interested in me.

He calls me the next day and we made plans for dinner. Great meal. Great conversation. He walks me to my car. Now, when I pulled into the restaurant earlier, I noticed where he was parked and parked my car in the space beside his. So we get to my car, chit chat a bit, he hugs me, and turns around and starts walking across the parking lot. I'm thinking maybe he forgot something in the restaurant, need to use the restroom or something so I just start to get in my car. Half way across the lot, he turns around, looks at me and says "Um, that's my car next to yours isn't it?". I smile and say, "Yes, it is." He blushes and heads over to his car. Isn't that cute????? LOL I got him all bumfuzzled. LOL

So, I went on my cruise. He called me on Thursday morning before I got on the boat and wished me a good trip. And then called last night to make sure I got home OK and asked me to see Attack of the Clones with him. He is not at all a Star Wars fan but knows that I am. He's going to go rent Phantom Menance because he hasn't seen it and then take me to see Clones. Isn't that sweet??? :)

I like him so far. Everyone keep their fingers crossed!!!! LOL

Computer Life

Let me just say a fond hello and howdy do to Wordsmith and his cronies! Y'all come right on in and make yourselves at home! ;)

This is my blog. It probably is full of whining and moaning. It is my little slice of the net where I write my experiences and it helps me work things out in my mind. If you find this entertaining, feel free to read. Hell, quote it on your web site if you feel the need.

However, I refuse to devote a centimeter more space than I am now to your psycho problems. Floor 42 is my "home" on the net. It has been for the past few years. I have made real, true friendships with the people there. I love each and every one of them.

I told MY experiences with the old SST site to them so that they would know what happened in MY opinion. I have nothing to do with the running of the site and have only recently been made a moderator over at Golly. They could take my experiences or leave them. The choice was theirs. I had nothing to do with the lot of you being banned. I applaud the decision but it was not mine to make nor did I influence it whatsoever. I told the truth. I told them how a really good site was ruined by a few people. I answered questions when asked.

And, low and behold, Wordsmith and crew (yes, that means you) showed up and tried to cause the same problems they have so many times in the past. The only difference was that this time they got called on the carpet and banned for their actions. I had nothing to do with it in the least. Don't give me credit I don't deserve. Thank yourselves for the actions taken against you. You asked for every single thing you have received.

If it makes you feel better to blame me for your problems, feel free. I couldn't give a rat's ass what you think. Those that matter to me know me. Know how I think and feel. Know what I would and wouldn't do. And you nothing you can say or do could erase that!

2002-04-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

OK, Panic Attack is officially OVER......

You know, the good thing about these blogs are you can go back a couple days later and realize how clouded your mind was by the past.

After some long talks with my friends (both on line and off :) ) , I realized how much I was saddling C with all of my baggage from B. And that is so unfair!! I certainly wouldn't want him to do that to me.

I realized how much I need to let go of. How B affected me. Changed me. And how much I didn't necessarily like all of the changes. The only person that can get rid of the baggage is me. That much I know.

So, I'm doing my best to leave some bags back at the station......

C called me last night. And was as sweet as ever. We talked and joked around for 2 hours. And I realized even more how this man is completely different from the other one. And I realized even more how unfair I was being to C.

So, I asked him out! Woo hoo! This is a big step for me!! :)

We're going out Friday night. I'll let you know how it goes.....

Today he called and asked if I wanted to go with him to a friend's house tomorrow night to watch Behind Enemy Lines. Unfortunately, I already had plans to meet some old friend's. But it felt great to be asked.

So, the next time I get the way I was below, please come around and kick me in the butt!!!!!! ;)

C may not be the one for me. He may just be my "rebound" guy. I know that. But if I walk away from this with nothing else, I'll walk away knowing how much more I deserve from a relationship than what I've settled for in the past. And I'll know that I can be alone and be just fine.

2002-04-21T19:16:00.000-04:00

Well, he called.......

Let me preface what I'm going to say with he was perfectly nice. Always has been. And I do get the feeling that he is interested in me. The vibes are all there.

He has a good sense of humor and kids around a lot. This is a good thing since I've been in humorless hell for three years.

I'm sure that he is kidding around when he says that next time I have to ask him out. He needs romance (like men have a clue what that really is). I know he's kidding. I really do. And probably on some level or another he's testing the waters to see how interested I am in him. I can understand this.

However, I have spent the last three years with someone that never gave me any security about where I stood with him. Never asked me out. Never did a romantic thing for me unless forced to with threats of violence. Basically, I have been in a romance free zone for the last three years. If I didn't push the relationship, we never saw each other. Never did anything. It was all on me. And to tell the truth, I've had my fill of it.

Of course, C has no way whatsoever of knowing this and I'd die before I'd tell him. Scare him right off I'm sure.

But I guess I just want a guy that thinks I'm special. That asks me out the first few dates. Makes me feel like he really wants to see me and can't think of anyone he'd rather be with.

I think C could be that kind of guy but to be honest I'm just not sure. And I'm starting to get to the point of do I want to go through this? I guess I'm getting scared. I've wasted sooooooooo much time on B and I just don't want to get in the same situation all over again. I don't want to have to do all the work in a relationship. I just can't anymore.

Am I asking to much to want to be "courted" a little? Do guys just not do that any more?

I refuse to chase this guy!!!! I chased B for too long and my running shoes have had it!!!

2002-04-21T15:55:00.000-04:00

So maybe he isn't a serial killer after all..........

Or he's just waiting till I drop my defenses......

I've been emailing and chatting with C for the past few days. Seems like a very nice guy (yes, he does sound like that Matthew person). Good sense of humor (something very much lacking in my relationship with B) and just seems really nice. We exchanged pics. Neither of us ran screaming out into the street (or at least I didn't - he says he didn't). So after much talking, we finally meet last night.

Went to dinner with MC and then to the movies on our own (save yourself - don't go see Murder by Numbers!!). Then stood in the theatre parking lot talking (with a couple of smooches here and there ;) ) until 1:30 a.m.

I came home floating on cloud 8 (he has a lot further to go before I reach 9 folks). Now, at almost 4:00 p.m.. I have dropped down to about cloud 6. HE HASN'T CALLED!!!!!!

Maybe I'm being a bit picky or over reacting. These are all possible. Maybe he broke his fingers in a freak accident when he got home last night. Or even maybe his phone was disconnected. However, there is no excuse good enough other than unconscious and on life support at this point. He could have gone to a pay phone and dialed by holding a pencil between his teeth for Bob's sake!! ;)

So, men didn't suck last night when I got home but I'm telling you if my phone don't ring by tomorrow morning, I'm back on the man hating band wagon!!!! LOL

2002-04-17T22:33:00.000-04:00

And just when I thought it couldn't get worse than yesterday........

After numerous conversations with MC today, all with me assuring her I'm not going out with someone who may or may not be a serial killer even though he sounds wonderful on the phone (I'm sure Ted Bundy had a great phone voice), MC decides to take matters into her own hands.

Apparently C (the strange guy) gave her his cell phone number. So she calls him on the phone and finds out that he is on his way to his office. At this point my friend gets off the phone, jumps in her car, and races across town to this guy's office. She pulls into the parking lot and there just happened to be two guys in the parking lot. She calls C on his cell and tells him to walk out to the road. The poor man had to think she was stalking him!!!! He's either brave or nuts.

He agrees, she pulls up, and explains to him that she's on a scouting mission. I'll give the poor man some credit - he laughed it off and seemed to take it well from her account. She calls me on her cell (I'm in the middle of doing laundry) and hands the phone to him. Talk about your uncomfortable situations!!

So after a few akward moments, we actually do chat a bit. He seemed nice (still wondering if he has bodies buried in his backyard) and had a good sense of humor about the whole thing.

I have threatened to kill MC if she ever does this to me again! Maybe C could help me hide the evidence.

I'll keep you posted.....

2002-04-15T23:05:00.000-04:00

Here's how pathetic my love life has become:

Phone conversation from earlier today:

Me: Hello

MC (my best friend): I've set you up on a blind date!

Me: Excuse me?

MC: He seems like a really nice guy. He sounds like Matthew McConahay (sp?).

Me: What do you mean by seems like? Don't you know him?

MC: Well, no not really. He answered the phone at the realty office for the condo I'm thinking of renting.

Me: So you don't know him at all but you've set me up with him on a blind date? Do you even know what he looks like?

MC: Well, no I don't know him but he seemed so nice on the phone.......

My best friend has resorted to setting me up on blind dates with men that she doesn't even know!

2002-04-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Clue #1 - Romance should not die once you've shagged us!!

Women like romance! We want to be complemented, flattered, wooed, praised and worshiped. We deserve to be placed up on that pedestal.

Flowers do wonders. And you can find them cheap at your local grocery. Spend the 5 bucks and reap untold rewards!!!

It's amazing the things you over hear sitting at your desk at work. The lady that sits on the other side of my right cubicle wall was on the phone with her hubby. Why is it that men need to be reminded like every 5 minutes how they should treat their wives/girlfriends? Is there a mental block or something? The poor girl was actually telling her hubby how he never appreciates anything she does, never sends her flowers, never listens to her, etc., etc. Have men truly not gotten this concept yet?

2002-04-01T20:59:00.000-05:00

I'm in that post Easter funk. Beating myself up for eating too much chocolate yesterday. Pissed off because I had to work late today and didn't feel like working out. Bummed because I don't think I'm ever gonna loose the 15 pounds I would like to!!!!

And my love life sucks (so what else is new?). B (all names withheld to protect the not so innocent) and I had it out for the final time yet again. Why is it that some relationships must end painfully numerous times in order for them to finally end????

As much as I care about him (and have for the past 3 years) I realize he will NEVER be capable of providing what I need in a relationship. He can't get over his divorce. He can't commit. Actually, he can commit as in he won't screw around on me but he can't commit for the long term. Marriage is not something he is interested in. Or at least not with me.

So Friday night I finally had a belly full of it!! He called and once again didn't know why he was calling or what he wanted. I basically lost it. I finally stood up for myself!!! Long story short (too late) I told him that I wanted more than what he could provide. And I honestly do.

I want a partner to go through life with. Not someone who can't even commit to a vacation! Are all men like this? Are there any left that actually want a marriage? A family? Even a long term relationship???? I'm beginning to doubt it.

As much as I feel good about the fact that I stood up to him and I finally think it's totally over, I still feel bad about the three years I've wasted. I know I can't ever get that time back. But I have learned what I don't want so I guess I can't say it was totally wasted.

And I'm finally off of that emotional rollercoaster. That feels great!

2002-03-25T22:33:00.000-05:00

Just finished watching a new reality TV series called "The Bachelor". You may want to note now that I am a reality TV addict. If it's reality based, I'm probably addicted to it!

Anyway, I watched "The Bachelor" (ABC - Monday 9:00p.m. EST). The more appropriate title would probably be "Every Man's Fantasy". One man with his pick of 25 women. And every single one of these chicks would scratch the other 24's eyes out to get this guy.

This show really bothers me. This guy is really a good looking guy. Why in heaven's name does he need to go on a game show and humilate 24 women in order to find one to marry? Can't he just go to a bar like all the other men do? Doesn't he have a mother somewhere shoving available women in his path?

Are decent single men really that hard to find? I know I've had trouble but are all women? Enough trouble that you'd go on a game show???

I can't imagine I would want a guy that would be willing to do this. What are these girls really winning at the end of this show? The chance to spend their life with a guy that compared you to 24 other chicks? Is this the Miss America pagent of dating?

Shows like this make me think single life ain't too bad......;)

2002-03-25T20:41:00.000-05:00

And the techno-idiot makes her first blog.......:)

Hello and welcome to my blog. My plan is for this to be where I can ramble on about the ups and downs of a single woman who just turned 30 (ugh). You may laugh. You may cry. You may be bored to tears. ;)

Anyway, feel free to drop by and read whatever I get around to posting here. See you soon!